Becca- I just happened to hear this urban legend about a movie that kills you seven days after you watched it, and I’m bringing it up on completely random speculation. By the way, what’d you do this weekend with a cabin full of boys, you naughty girl?

 

Katie- Watched a movie, of course. Some Disney flick... the visuals were great, but the plot was hard to grasp.

 

Becca- Oh. You watched THAT movie. And stayed in THAT cabin.

 

Katie- Yeaahhh... the plumbing was kinda screwed up, but other than that...

 

Becca- And you watched it how many days ago?

Katie- Seven, to this very hour. But I still don’t see your... oh. Yeah, I’m dead. Let’s go downstairs in the dark, with no adults at home, and get something out of the fridge. So I won’t die hungry.

 

*phone rings*

 

Katie- AGH! The foreshadowing caught me off guard.

 

Becca- I’ll go upstairs.

 

Katie- Why? Oh, look, left the TV on.

 

Katie- Wow, our electrical system is so screwed up. I’ll turn it off again.

 

Katie- How odd. Well, I’ll just unplug it. Oh! Pretty sparks!

 

-------------------The Ring----------------

 

Katie- There’s water dripping off my doorknob, and trickling under it, and yet for some reason, I’m still walking in.

 

Katie- Oh silly me, I died.

 

 

-------------------The Ring----------------

 

Teacher- Rachel, you have a really messed up kid.

 

Rachel- So? I’m a working woman. Who cares about petty stuff like my kid’s sanity?

 

Teacher- You seen these drawings?

 

Rachel- You seen my left sock? They mismatch. I think the dryer ate it. Yeah, cute drawings.

 

Teachers- Well, I’ve never thought of dead people buried beneath the ground as cute. By the way, he drew these before Katie died.

 

-------------------The Ring----------------

 

Aidan- You think I was born with eyes this creepy on purpose, Mommy?

 

Rachel- ...

 

Ruth- My daughter died. It sucks. But life goes on.

 

Rachel- You’re supposed to be drowning in over-hyped emotional trauma.

 

Ruth- Oh yeah. She died in a closet.

 

Rachel- That’s it?

 

Ruth- And her face was screwed up. Geez, don’t you journalists ever give it a rest?

 

Audience- If she did, there wouldn’t be a movie...

 

Aiden- I am one disturbed kid. But feel free to simply ignore the fact that I have superior intellect to all of you.

 

Rachel- ...

 

Aiden- I rest my case.

 

 

-------------------The Ring----------------

 

Rachel- I’m pretending to be going through a mid-life crisis by getting high with you kids and asking you some really pointed questions.

 

Teenager #1- They watched a Disney movie.

 

Rachel- So I hear.

 

Teenager #2- Really?

 

Rachel- No. But now I did.

 

-------------------The Ring----------------

 

Rachel- On the road again... on the creepy, shadowed road to a foreboding- looking cabin again...

 

Innkeeper- Allow me to ignorantly let you into to the back room, giving you ample time to steal the cursed videotape. That sounds silly. Cursed videotape, tee hee...

 

Rachel- Er, thanks.

 

-------------------The Ring----------------

 

Rachel- Well, guess I’d better pop the popcorn.

 

Videotape- *Disturbing, horrifying, unnerving images, including a fly that doesn’t seem to serve any purpose whatsoever.*

 

Rachel- Well, that’s Disney for you. I knew the animation had gotten grittier after Walt died. Well, I guess I’ll show it to my ex-husband. Or is it my ex-husband? Mebbe it wasn’t... nobody’s really following that soap opera-ish side plot.

 

Phone- *ringing*

 

Rachel- Hello?

 

Creepy voice-  *whisper* Seven days...

 

Rachel- What?

 

Creepy voice- Booked solid for six. So, seven days. Is that a bad time for you?

 

Rachel- Huh? Whozzis?

 

Creepy- CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW?? SEVEN DAYS!! %$#@!!

 

-------------------The Ring----------------

 

Noah- Well, the visuals were okay...

 

Rachel- You mean you’re not freaked out?

 

Noah- Naw, I’m an ignorant piece of eye candy.

 

Rachel- Okay, guess there’s nothing to worry about.

 

-------------------The Ring----------------

 

Omnipotent Co-Author- I can't move from my seat. *gaping-eyes*

 

Omnipotent Author- Why not?

 

Omnipotent Co-Author- This has got to be some form torture or mind- control.

 

*watching freaky scene*

 

Omnipotent Author- Well THAT was just plain FREAKY.

 

*phone ringing*

 

Omnipotent Co-Author- Don't answer; I'm busy right now.

 

Creepy Voice- Well, I can't curse them if they don't pick the phone up...

 

 

-------------------The Ring----------------

 

Rachel- Wow, the subtext says Day Three... maybe there is something wrong with me...

 

Nurse- Welcome to the Happy Hospital, The Happiest place in this entire movie. Whom do you wish to contact?

 

Rachel- The new kid. You know, that one that we will soon proclaim looks just like her, as in she-who-must-not-be-named.

 

Nurse- Oh, you mean Becca. Okay, follow me.

 

*in room now*

 

Becca- nice room... no disturbings... happy.... katie nice.... ring evil... no I’m not also known as Gollum...

 

Rachel- Why did Katie die?

Becca- ....Katie?... she owes me money.... she watched my video.... she not return my video to movie store.... she pay... late fee...

 

Rachel- Okay, you are seriously disturbed.

 

Becca- Durpeehappyflowerbutternazihappyleaf! Babbledbedazzle! HAPPY!

 

Rachel- Going now...

 

-------------------The Ring----------------

 

Recorder- this button cool, and this one.... call if need help.

 

Rachel- I will...

 

Videotape-*Freaky-Deaky images, yada yada*

 

Rachel- Hold up, what’s that? Stretch out the picture with the complicated video- altering junk.

 

Rachel- It’s a lighthouse!

 

Noah- Oh. I thought it was a smudge on the screen. Or a turkey sandwich. Is anyone else hungry?

 

Rachel- I know, I know, but he’s so cute.

 

Audience- *gags*

 

-------------------The Ring----------------

 

Rachel- I’ll look under L, for Lighthouses that are halfway hidden in creepy caseless videos... ah, here’s the picture. That took an oddly short amount of time.

 

Rachel- And now I’ll continue to use my extreme mental capacity by reading the text around the picture... okay, now I know where to go. That was oddly easy.

 

-------------------The Ring----------------

 

Aiden- Mommy said not to watch the video...

 

Video- I’m very tempting. Watch me....

 

Aiden- ...But that’s never stopped me before!!

 

Video- Thought so.

 

Rachel- Oh well. My kid watched the video. Life sucks, but it goes on.

 

Aiden- Oh yeah, by the way, I hear voices in my head. The girl in the video tells me stuff, and I like to draw deep, dark holes in my spare time.

 

Rachel- That’s nice, dear.

 

-------------------The Ring----------------

 

Rachel- Now the subtext says Day Five... maybe I should buy more life insurance...

 

Doctor- Hi, and welcome to... oh, who cares, anyway?

Rachel- What's wrong with that boy?

 

Boy- *drool*... nice thingamajig.... ooh... i tinkle

 

Doctor- Oh, Stevey? He's always here. this is a mental hospital after all.

 

Rachel- Can you tell me about the family? You know, the one with the horses... they live near a lighthouse, I think...

 

Doctor- well... um.... geez... MASTER SAYS DONT TALK ABOUT OUR

TOWN... wow, where'd that come from?

 

Boy- whee.... spinny-thing fun!.... more tinkle!

 

Rachel- Well, now that we have that established, could ya tell me where they-who-must-not-be-named live?

 

Doctor- By the lighthouse.

 

Audience- Well, that's helpful!

 

-------------------The Ring----------------

 

Rachel- Hellooooo... anyone home?

 

Rancher- GET LOST!!!!

 

Rachel- Do you own the horses.?

 

Rancher- What horses? This is a ranch, why would I have horses?

 

Rachel- The one you own.

 

Rancher- Oh... the ones I used to own... yeah.

 

Rachel- can u tell me about them?

 

Rancher- Sure. I loved them more than sanity. That, and they didn’t love sanity at all. And neither did my wife, and neither do I, and neither does that little smudge on my bedroom wall, and that crack in the floor tile over there...

 

Rachel- Huh?

 

Rancher- They committed suicide... just like the other 125 people who used to live here.

Rachel- Well, what about your daugther?

 

Rancher- I ain’t got a daughter.

 

Rachel- Son?

 

Rancher- He joined the dark side of the force with me.

 

Rachel- Okay the, you’re obviously no help whatsoever. I'll just leave now.

 

Omnipotent Author- wow... lotta R- words... Ring, ringing-phone, Rachel, Rancher,

 

-------------------The Ring----------------

 

Rachel- Yeah... I left... not. Hmm, a video. For some reason I feel like watching it.

 

Audience- You must have a death wish...

 

Video- *not-so-freaky* familiar mirror* familiar little girl* familiar dead horses* familiar mirror*

 

Rachel- could this mean something?...

 

*thwack*

 

Rancher- Don't you dare watch my freaky movie! Now I have to 'pull a Theoden'

Rachel- A whozzit?

 

* wet bathroom* really full tub* lots of electrical equiptment* 

 

Rancher- Time for a barbeque!

 

*zap*zap*zap*

 

Rachel- Aah!

 

Audience- Aah!

 

Omnipotent Author and Co- Author- Aah!

 

Noah- Aah! Stop screaming!

 

 

-------------------The Ring----------------

 

Barn- Ouch... you plugged off my lock.

 

Rachel- The lights on upstairs, but nobody's home.

 

Audience- I know someone else like that...

 

Noah- Wow, a tree burnt behind the wallpaper. Umm...

 

Omnipotent Author- Must... think... of...  witty line....

 

Omnipotent Co-Author-*snicker*

 

Rachel- Aside from that momentary awkwardness, what else is new? Creepy stuff happens. Deal with it.

 

Noah- Yeah, but... I know! I just had a thought!

 

Rachel- Really?

 

Noah- No.

 

-------------------The Ring----------------

 

Rachel- What the heck happened to Day Seven?! I needed to go insurance shopping today, and it's already nighttime!

 

Noah- Well, even though that tree does look kinda familiar, I'm still not convinced that there really is a curse.

 

Rachel- What about the pyscopathic horses, thier owners, and that girl...

 

Noah- There's nothing wrong with them... just too much caffeine.

 

Rachel- ....okay... and I'm the brain-dead one?

 

Audience- yep

 

Noah- Yeah well, Screw all this! Screw my agent! Screw that video! Screw

these marbles!...

 

Audience- Freaky arrow... wonder what it’s for... NO!!! DON’T!!!

 

Rachel- Let's pull up the floor-boards!

 

Noah- Hey, it's a well.

 

Audience- That looks familiar. Hm.

 

Rachel- I'll just bend over it like an idiot...

 

Audience- STUPID!!! Don’t!! NOOO!!!

 

TV- ...you forgot to pay the late fee, Rachel... naughty girl...

 

Rachel- Aah! *falls*

 

Omnipotent Author- *creeped-out* hide under covers* grab teddy bear* never watch TV again*

 

Noah- I'll get help! Lemme get in my car, and drive fifty mile to the nearest gas station.

 

Audience- Yeah, great idea, genius. Try the conviently located hose/rope thingy outside. Which you just slipped and dropped... hahahah oh.

 

Rachel- hmm... nail scratches *flashback* Whoa, that's not mine.

 

*feels for ripped off fingernail*

 

Rachel- That's not mine either.

 

*feels for creepy hair in the water*

 

Rachel- that's DEFINATELY not MINE.

 

Audience- *Freaky Friday flashbacks... even though it’s not Friday, it’s pretty freaky*

 

Corpse- Hold me, Mommy. I’m just a decades year old, rotting body. Decaying in your arms.

 

Rachel- it's okay... the curse is over...

 

-------------------The Ring----------------

 

Noah- I still don't believe in cursed videos... what a load of cra-

 

TV- *chhhhhhhhhh* clik of well*

 

Noah- Um.... why is the TV on?... Maybe that’s why my electricity bill is so high...

 

*freakin’ creepy decayed zombie girl climbs out of well*

 

Noah- Whozzat? This does NOT look like The Joe Schmo Show!

 

*girl walks towards edge of screen*

 

Noah- Odd, it’s almost like she’s walking toward me...

 

Audience- GET OUTTA THERE! RUN AWAY!

 

Noah- HOLY -!!!

 

*girl climbs out of TV*

 

Noah- I DO NOT BELIVE IN CURSES!

 

*girl stands up, making sure the whole time that her hair covers her face and scares the living daylights out of the author, who happened to watch this in the afternoon, and the co-author, who didn’t have the presence of mind to do the same, or did he, the author has no idea*

 

Noah- THERE IS NO CURSE... THERE IS NO CURSE...

 

* girl moves with lightening speed*

 

Noah- #$@! $#@! $#@!!!!

 

Girl- You forgot to pay the seven-day late fee.... naughty boy... *reveals face*

 

Noah- AAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

 

Audience- AAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

 

Omnipotent Author and Co-Author- AAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!

 

Rachel- Noah?... you there? Noah... *turns chair* AAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!

 

-------------------The Ring----------------

 

Rachel- I HATE MOVIES!

 

Audience- SO DO WE! All the food is grossly overpriced.

 

Theatre- *deserted*

 

Aiden- Well, as long as we keep the movie safely buried in the back yard, no harm will come to anybody.

 

Rachel-  Aiden, we are moving to Switzerland. Swiss people don’t have late fees.

 

Aiden- How do you know?

 

Rachel- Shut up.

 

Omnipotent Author- Try Canada.

 

Omnipotent Co-Author- Or Middle Earth.

 

*meanwhile at the theatre*

 

Clean-up Boy- Dum dum de.... cleaning vomit....

 

Screen- *chhhhhhhhhh*freaky video*

 

Clean-up Boy- .... Wow.... cool visuals. But the plot leaves much to be desired...

 

*his cellphone rings*

  

-------------------The Ring----------------